No Name Prose Poem.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-16-2011, 02:47 PM

You forced the combustion. You gave it to me. I'm The Sun now, and you gave it to me. It's odd, though, because while you were right about me wanting to be the center of things (isn't it amusing there how I admitted your complete correctness?) I'm still not happy. “How like you,” I'd imagine you'd try spitting out the window. I'm still not happy. Even at night, The Sun shines on China. I'm exhausted.
And you liberated me. You forced that, too, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend like you did it out of some murky altruistic wisdom, and not fetal fright of having to be connected to me. The Moon has to at least glow.
I am liberated. There is no drag, no little million parachutes held fast to my every branch and tendril. I can reach skyward uninhibited. My directness is viewable even to the myopic. I'm still not happy. I'm liberated like a tree in Winter.

Versus · 03-16-2011, 09:46 PM

It's been awhile since you've posted any poetry. Did you just not feel like sharing, or have a kind of writers block?

Nightwalker39 · 03-17-2011, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versus

It's been awhile since you've posted any poetry. Did you just not feel like sharing, or have a kind of writers block?

I agree with the writers block

Xombie · 03-17-2011, 08:29 AM

I reeeeally dig the last line.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-17-2011, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versus

It's been awhile since you've posted any poetry. Did you just not feel like sharing, or have a kind of writers block?

I haven't written too much, but honestly, even when I do I don't usually post it here because I don't often get worthwhile feedback.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-17-2011, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xombie

I reeeeally dig the last line.

Thanks!

That's the first thing I thought of, and then needed somewhere to put it, haha.

Versus · 03-17-2011, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I haven't written too much, but honestly, even when I do I don't usually post it here because I don't often get worthwhile feedback.

I think I remember you saying something to that extent. I would really like to give feedback to encourage you to post more, but I wouldn't really feel comfortable with it. I don't really have much to offer anyone in terms of writing.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-17-2011, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versus

I think I remember you saying something to that extent. I would really like to give feedback to encourage you to post more, but I wouldn't really feel comfortable with it. I don't really have much to offer anyone in terms of writing.

Don't do things you aren't comfortable with, but really, any feedback is better than none.

Versus · 03-17-2011, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Don't do things you aren't comfortable with, but really, any feedback is better than none.

I like your words.

Corpsey · 03-17-2011, 06:35 PM

I like the word "Tendril".
Easier on the eyes.

Nightwalker39 · 03-17-2011, 08:32 PM

Good wording thats for sure.

Solumina · 03-17-2011, 08:43 PM

I'm not a huge fan of how the poem is laid out, it looks like a really strange paragraph (which I'm assuming was your intention, some people will probably love it but it just isn't really my cup of tea). As always you seem to take great care picking just the right wording. So essentially I like the poem but I don't really like looking at it.

Nightwalker39 · 03-17-2011, 08:47 PM

Sometimes appearance is what a lot of people look at when their reading poetry.

MissCheyenne · 03-19-2011, 07:25 AM

I agree with Sol, the way it's set out just seems ugly and a little....clunky to me. I like the actual poem though, I just find it hard to read it how my brain is telling me it should be read because of the lay out. I dunno if that makes any sense to you but it does to me.

Onyx_Rose · 03-19-2011, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

I agree with Sol, the way it's set out just seems ugly and a little....clunky to me. I like the actual poem though, I just find it hard to read it how my brain is telling me it should be read because of the lay out. I dunno if that makes any sense to you but it does to me.

It makes sense. If I looks like one huge paragraph, I have a little panic attack. My first thought are usually along the lines of, "how the frig do I approach reading this". But this time stucked it up and took it like a man (which I happen not to be) making it awesomer!!!! *thumbs up*

Catch · 03-19-2011, 02:37 PM

I think the poem has potential. Maybe re-eidted and place more emphasis on the greater meaning of the poem and work on the wording so it is more like a poem. I like the line, "the doubt and pretend like you did it out of some murky altruistic wisdom" and the Sun and Moon symbology.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-20-2011, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Onyx_Rose

It makes sense. If I looks like one huge paragraph, I have a little panic attack. My first thought are usually along the lines of, "how the frig do I approach reading this". But this time stucked it up and took it like a man (which I happen not to be) making it awesomer!!!! *thumbs up*

...are you retarded?

Onyx_Rose · 03-20-2011, 08:30 AM

If it's because of the spelling and grammer, I understand why you would think that, I don't remember much of last night...and I don't know why. I probably posted it when I was really tired and I also tend to talk out my ass when I'm in that state..

CarrionCorpse · 03-22-2011, 09:27 PM

I really like this. And I agree, the last line is truly amazing.

Nightwalker39 · 03-23-2011, 09:50 AM

All i can say is to work harder and you will go farther.

ssj_goku · 03-23-2011, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

You forced the combustion. You gave it to me. I'm The Sun now, and you gave it to me. It's odd, though, because while you were right about me wanting to be the center of things (isn't it amusing there how I admitted your complete correctness?) I'm still not happy. “How like you,” I'd imagine you'd try spitting out the window. I'm still not happy. Even at night, The Sun shines on China. I'm exhausted.
And you liberated me. You forced that, too, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend like you did it out of some murky altruistic wisdom, and not fetal fright of having to be connected to me. The Moon has to at least glow.
I am liberated. There is no drag, no little million parachutes held fast to my every branch and tendril. I can reach skyward uninhibited. My directness is viewable even to the myopic. I'm still not happy. I'm liberated like a tree in Winter.

i hear if u really try u can force combiustion of small things leik paper and lint, then eventually ur enemies!

j/k I'm not good enough 2 do that yet. good pome opie!

Nightwalker39 · 03-24-2011, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssj_goku

i hear if u really try u can force combiustion of small things leik paper and lint, then eventually ur enemies!

j/k I'm not good enough 2 do that yet.

That was random.

Noirette · 04-03-2011, 01:52 AM

It's prose but feels like poetry. I love the feeling of the words on my tongue. There are grand parts. Like the sun in China.

Ami · 04-03-2011, 10:27 AM

The more times I read it, the more I like it. Please post some more of your work?

Underwater Ophelia · 04-03-2011, 12:11 PM

@Noirette: Hence, "prose poem." And thanks. Which phrases do you like best/why?

@Ami: Some other things I've written are on this site, just search threads written by me. Also, what do you like about it? And what's crap about it?