New Joke thread

[Ben Lahnger]

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into
the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the
wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that crap ?.."

[Ben Lahnger]

A Matter Of (Blonde) Perspective

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the
other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"

[Ben Lahnger]

Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down

by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

[Ben Lahnger]

Walmart Wine

Soon, Wal-Mart customers will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming
up with Robert Mondavi Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an
affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "The right name is
important."

So, here we go:
The top 10 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat
(Possum) or red meat (squirrel).

[Ben Lahnger]

Short Stuff

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

[flawed-mentality]

Greetings and salutations, these two jokes require body movements and it pokes fun at jesus a little so if you get offended easaly read no further .That being said lets begin.
How dose jesus bite his nails? like this.(this is were you pretend to bite the center of your hand.)
Why do all the ladies love jesus? because hes hung like this.( this is were you spred out your arms.)
Heres a quick priest joke .
A teacher a lawyer and a preist are in a sinking boat.The teacher has his cass with him and as the boats sinking he says save the kids ,save the kids.the lawyer says fuck the kids. and the priest says do we have time. mabe I'll write a few more later . bye

[Wise Child]

Hehe, I have a couple of similar ones, Flawed.

How much does Jesus love you?
[spread arms and look sad] This much.

What's this? [hands palms upwards and quickly moving them one on top of the other]
Jesus holding a marble.

[Ben Lahnger]

This is just wrong, but I laughed so here it is ...

My Wife Left Me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[Ben Lahnger]

Mitch Hedberg quotes

Mitch Hedberg died last year, at the way-too-young age of 37. He was one of my favorite oddball stand-up comics. I just stumbled across this WIKIQUOTE (click that to go there) tribute page and thought I'd list some quotes here, 'cause it cracked me up soooooo much!

---------------------

This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn't give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing."

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I say, "You fuckers don't farm c'mon, what about some carrots? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen."

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you...feed you a leaf."

A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherfucker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.

My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.

I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends."

The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off a oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.

I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood its all who you know, and I know Crackle."

I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay." A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.

Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.

I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes. But these were reposessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away. *Knock knock knock* "Hi, could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for a half an hour?"

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see.

Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"

You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.

I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.

Whoever invented sunglasses must have been the coolest motherfucker alive. Hey, what kind of glasses are those?

I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut"

I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. ...., it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"

[cannibalnuns]

Say!

There are four women with their children seeing the psychiatrist. The doctor approaches each woman and says to the first he comes to:

He looks to the clipboard with the information of the women who had come.

To the first woman:

“I know your problem, you have an addiction to money as your daughter is named Penny.”

Then he looks to the Second and says:

"You have an addiction to alcohol as you named your daughter Brandy."

Then next comes the third and he looks to her.

"You.. Now you have a problem with sweets as your daughter is named Candy."

About this time, the fourth woman stands up whispering, "Come on Dick, let’s go."

[Ben Lahnger]

Call Girl

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded hot.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

[Sanctus Dei]

Ben, I <3 you.

[flawed-mentality]

this one was from this girl at another web site.
how do you austrailion kiss ? the same as a french kiss only down under.
this one requres body motions.
Ok this guy is driveing down the desert,and he realizes he has got to take the fatest shit ever. he drives until he sees a house it looks kinda abandoned.he knocks no answer.he gos in and uses the toilet.he then realizes theres no toilet paper. he sees a sign on the wall with a hole beneath it.it reads wipe with your pointer and middle finger and stick in this hole and they will be cleaned by human lips. the guy wpes with those two fingers and sticks it in the hole. theres a guy on the other side of the wall with a brick. he smashes the guys two fingers. the first guy jumps back and sucks on his to hurt fingers saying fuckin shit. the movments are on the last part were you say oh shit.
wise child glad you liked it. I herd the how much just jesus loves you before but it still makes me laugh. thanks

[Ben Lahnger]

Gender Query

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's still handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!


So, is a COMPUTER male or female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine = "la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine = "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval;
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2) They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Ben Lahnger]

Chicken Sandwich

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" He asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said" Oh, my God, It's too late for you!! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

[Ben Lahnger]

A LOT TO LOSE

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his way with her. After she leaves and he is rested, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years.

"The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

[Ben Lahnger]

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

She was just bursting with pride for them. She continued, "Well, then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

[chloegoth]

I'll be a jerk and add to the Helen Keller jokes:

Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down the well?
Neither did she.

Did you hear about the other time Helen Keller fell down the well?
She screamed her hands off.


Also...

Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

Who comes up with blonde jokes?
Brunettes with nothing to do on Saturday night.


What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros?

El-ef-i-no! (Say it out loud).

[Ben Lahnger]

Planning A Cruise

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were
very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it
. . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he
could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry ...
but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[Ben Lahnger]

"Survey Says ..."


A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam, they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

[Ben Lahnger]

Remote Control

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[Ben Lahnger]

Two Blonde GUYS

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

[pheramoans]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[IlGato_DiDiablo]

Here's an interesting one:

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly angry now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

[Ben Lahnger]

She Got Off Clean

Dear Tide Detergent,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a! murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!!!