Operation "Screw This"

[grimreaper993]

In a striking rebuke of the assertions of the Pentagon and the White House that a swift exit is neither practical nor possible, soldiers of varying rank have outlined a straightforward plan of immediate disengagement, dubbed "Operation Screw This."

U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy
December 21, 2005 | Issue 41•51

BAGHDAD—Citing the Bush Administration's ongoing refusal to provide a timetable for withdrawal, the U.S. troops stationed in Iraq have devised their own exit strategy.


Staff Sgt. Cornelius Woods debriefs Pfc. Jack Colin.
"My marines are the best-trained, best-equipped, most homesick fighting force in the world," said Staff Sgt. Cornelius Woods. "Just give us the order, and we will commandeer every available vehicle to execute a flanking maneuver on the airstrips of Mosul. By this time tomorrow, we will have retaken our positions at our families' dinner tables in full force."

In a striking rebuke of the assertions of the Pentagon and the White House that a swift exit is neither practical nor possible, soldiers of varying rank have outlined a straightforward plan of immediate disengagement, dubbed "Operation Screw This."

"We kicked around several withdrawal scenarios in our barracks, but ultimately settled on the idea of getting out of here as soon as possible," said Maj. Brian Garcia, who is on his third tour of duty in Iraq.

Supporters of the Iraq war say the reconstruction of politically and economically devastated Iraq will take decades, and the gradual process of departure will begin only after a lengthy occupation.

"I'm familiar with the 'years of occupation to facilitate reconstruction' theory," said Army Spc. Megan Beaulieu. "However, virtually every soldier I know—including myself—gives more credence to the successful Dutch and Spanish approach of 'we've done all we can here, let's move out.'"

She added: "Apache helicopters could rendezvous with us in Fallujah. If we left our supplies behind, we could be out of here in 15 minutes."

"I served in South Korea and Germany," said Capt. Barry Graves of the Maryland National Guard, a Vietnam veteran who at 57 was called back into service last year. "I still carry shrapnel in my leg from Khe Sanh. Is it time to go home yet?"

A recent ABC News poll found that the American people are split on the exit strategy. A University of Baghdad survey, however, finds that the exit strategy has the support of approximately 99.3 percent of the Iraqi population.

Pfc. Barbara Terland expressed the sentiment of many soldiers and Iraqis. "If the real reason we're here is to let the Iraqis run their own country, I have the perfect solution: my ass on a plane to St. Louis."

Inspired by the unilateral policies of the White House, Pfc. David Wareham has concocted a unilateral strategy of his own.

"My exit strategy is beautiful in its simplicity," Wareham said. "It involves me personally getting out of here the first chance I get. If I do that, I just might get back to my son, who is a year old and who I have never even met. If that doesn't work, I'll revert to Plan B, which is to retreat into complete insanity."

U.S. Army Chief Of Staff Peter J. Schoomaker said he and the commander-in-chief are analyzing the situation and devising the best possible way to get the troops home safely.

"If the chief of staff is truly interested in ideas about exiting from Iraq," Pfc. Terland said, "I think that it would be a great idea to debate it openly. Why don't we fly home to Washington so we can discuss it together over a cup of coffee?"

from ~ the onion







*Moderator's Edit*

The Onion does say that it is not meant for readers under the age of 18. Since this site has become 13 and up I can't allow the link, luv.

[Reject_Bunnies]

Like,wow...I've never read The Onion before.
Thanks for starting an entire worthless thread for one idiotic link.

-You do realize that website is:not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

[grimreaper993]

And where does it say that? Because I must have missed it. I assumed that some people here would have enough of a sense of humor to read this and laugh. I suppose I am wrong.

[WolfMoon]

I thought it was a cute story, but I didn't laugh.

[Ben Lahnger]

Yeah, I saw that one ... I think I grinned slightly for a moment. I love The Onion, but I didn't think it was post worthy. And it definitely not a cause for starting a whole new thread.

[Ben Lahnger]

BTW, the Onion website is "not intended for readers under 18 years of age"? ... REALLY?

I ask because the hard copy edition (read: newspaper) is distributed freely at newstands, bookshops and grocery stores all over Milwaukee (and probably Wisconsin). So how can it be only appropriate for 18 and older on the internet but available for an 8 year old to pick up on his way out of Barnes and Noble or Krogers?

I'm just asking.

[Ben Lahnger]

When I was in Wisconsin last month, I picked up the February 2-8 print copy of the Onion. I see no such disclaimer on it anywhere.

It's the same content, so I wonder what happened that made the website management implement a disclaimer?

[Ben Lahnger]

Crap ... I found it ... inside page 2, in really, really fine print ...

in the third column right under the listing of all the reporting, editing, publishing and business staff (about 57 names), all the contact information of phone numbers, email adresses and mailing adresses, and also below a fine print discalimer paragraph about the content of the paper. No wonder I never saw it. Crap, crap, crap!

Damn all those heathen 8 year olds, anyway!

[WolfMoon]

It's at the bottom of the page.

Normally I wouldn't have bothered, but since we are 13 and up here I don't want any reason for trouble. I don't read The Onion so I don't know if there's anything there that would be inappropriate for 13 year olds. I'm assuming there probably is or there wouldn't be the disclaimer.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

So can we close this Non-News thread now?

[Ben Lahnger]

Oh, I was reading the print version long before I ever heard of the internet. As I said, I never noticed the disclaimer in the print version until just now, and I think none of the stores that distribute it are aware of it either. But, yes, I did notice the big warning at the bottom of the webpage.

I think the content thing only boils down to an occasional F-bomb and some sexual references from time to time. But I certainly don't blame you for your caution.

[WolfMoon]

Good idea, EPS.