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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 08-26-2008, 01:18 PM   #1
JCC
 
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Dudley After 6.

Piss stains paint a picture made effulgent
by the flickering lights of takeaways
drawing bums like moths to flame.
After a while the slurs of drunks melt into the soft
rickety-tick of cars long past their sell-by date.

After 6 is when the shops become museums,
a vague illustration of a different time and place.
It's when the street-lamps meekly flickering,
light the way for you.
Only you.

Occasionally a woman will walk by,
head down, with a long skirt.
But these are a dying breed.
The people out after 6 are the ones that really belong.

There's a different kind of elegance in a town after 6,
when a boarded-up window becomes a thing of beauty.

It's after 6 that Dudley dies,
and Dudley takes first breaths.
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:38 PM   #2
Disaffected Shoelaces
 
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I really like the first two lines, but really, really dislike the last two. The in-between is very bitty; I like the image of shops becoming museums, but can't abide "the people out after six are the ones who really belong.

Yeah, I'm pretty useless at critiquing.
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:40 PM   #3
gothicusmaximus
 
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Dudley after six? Hah, try Chinatown or a Dominican ghetto after three. In a cape.
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Old 09-01-2008, 02:02 PM   #4
Fatbaby
 
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I am not a good critic.
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Old 09-01-2008, 02:48 PM   #5
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Sorry I missed this one! Interesting how the same background changes depending on the people who are present.
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Old 09-01-2008, 06:00 PM   #6
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I enjoy the concept very much, but I feel as though certain points could use a bit more work. I think the first stanza is excellent, drawing great imagery from your choice of words. However, I don't like the line "Only you." I feel that the last two lines could use some work. They read a bit too much like a cliche.

I did enjoy reading this though.
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