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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
10-05-2008, 06:38 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 42
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A randome thought for a short story.
As Ashleigh's mother drove the car down the long lane of asphalt she stared out her window at the large farms and fields. One by one the colors of fall passed her by. When she was little she used to pretend that a monster was chasing the car whenever they passed large buildings in the city while driving back to there suburban home. But now they were in a different state, halfway across the country.
Her mother began to hum; it was an old 80's tune from when she was a kid. Ashleigh rolled her eyes, her mom was so weird. She wore fishnet clothes still with spandex or something. Usually she would put on bright lipstick, poof up her hair, turn on Grease, and start dancing while singing to every move they made on the TV screen. Her mom turned into a long driveway.
"We're here!" Her mother sang. Ashleigh sighed. She missed her friends, her school, and most of all her house. There was nothing to do here, to see, to talk to. She doubted there was even a school close by. As soon as the car stopped Ashleigh jumped out of the car griping her panda bag that her dad had given her a month before the divorce.
"Mom, why did we have to move? There's nothing here except farm!" Ashleigh almost yelled. Her mom looked at her and sighed. Shaking her head she grabbed a box and handed it to Ashleigh.
"Because honey we needed a new start." Her mom said. She kissed her forehead and walked away. That was that. Ashleigh knew there was no point arguing so she put her headphones on and turned it all the way up. Listening to her music was her elixir. The loud techno music blared in her ears, blocking out the sounds of the country and her mom. It was going to be a shitty new beginning.
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10-05-2008, 06:41 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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I liked it until the last sentence. There are more eloquent ways to say that.
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10-05-2008, 06:47 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 42
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Thank you I'll remember that.
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10-06-2008, 08:23 AM
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#4
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In front of a computer screen.
Posts: 584
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There are a few grammatical errors there--especially comma splices and there's a misused semicolon--but it's just a rough draft. I'm sure that can be fixed. Stuff like that just jumps out at me though.
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10-06-2008, 09:00 AM
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#5
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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This isn't random. It's not even randome.
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10-06-2008, 09:46 AM
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#6
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Raxacoricofallapatorius
Posts: 1,750
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It's not randomé either.
__________________
Because before too long there'll be nothing left alive, not a creature on the land or sea, a bird in the sky. They'll be shot, harpooned, eaten, and hunted too much, vivisected by the clever men who prove that there's no such things as a fair world with live and let live. The Royal family go hunting, what an example to give to the people they lead and that don't include me, I've seen enough pain and torture of those who can't speak...
- Tough Shit, Mickey by Conflict
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10-06-2008, 02:52 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Lost City of Atlanta
Posts: 326
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Somehow, it reminds me of the first few paragraphs I managed to read of Twilight until I got hopelessly bored.
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10-06-2008, 03:08 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 42
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Mealla
Somehow, it reminds me of the first few paragraphs I managed to read of Twilight until I got hopelessly bored.
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Yes, Twilight was very boring.
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10-06-2008, 03:20 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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I don't like this at all by the way. Not only does it seem like I've read it a million times before, but even if it were a startlingly original premise it would still seem like some teen angst rubbish.
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10-06-2008, 05:47 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Twilight Zone
Posts: 101
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by JCC
I don't like this at all by the way. Not only does it seem like I've read it a million times before, but even if it were a startlingly original premise it would still seem like some teen angst rubbish.
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I thoroughly agree.
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10-07-2008, 03:12 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 42
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity
There are a few grammatical errors there--especially comma splices and there's a misused semicolon--but it's just a rough draft. I'm sure that can be fixed. Stuff like that just jumps out at me though.
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Now that I've looked it over, your right. Sorry 'bout that.
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10-08-2008, 08:39 AM
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#12
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sugar Hill
Posts: 3,887
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Not bad. You're doing a good job of introducing your characters and the conflict. Now we need to see where you're going to take this.
I disagree with JCCs "Teen Angst" bit. This story certainly has the possibility of moving in that direction (so watch it), but for now it seems these characters have more depth than that. Basically, what I'm reading now feels good because the relationship between the characters feels honest.I particularly like your bit with the "Panda Bag". It implies a great deal about your protagonist's relationship with her father.
I would change the last sentence though, it's kinda weak.
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10-08-2008, 04:57 PM
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#13
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 42
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Despanan
Not bad. You're doing a good job of introducing your characters and the conflict. Now we need to see where you're going to take this.
I disagree with JCCs "Teen Angst" bit. This story certainly has the possibility of moving in that direction (so watch it), but for now it seems these characters have more depth than that. Basically, what I'm reading now feels good because the relationship between the characters feels honest.I particularly like your bit with the "Panda Bag". It implies a great deal about your protagonist's relationship with her father.
I would change the last sentence though, it's kinda weak.
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I'm thinking of directions this story could go in. I'm having trouble because I don't want to use the over used vampire and/or werewolf theme. Any suggestions? Yeah I agree, the last sentance was weak.
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10-08-2008, 05:04 PM
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#14
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sugar Hill
Posts: 3,887
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It's so open at this point it could literally go anywhere, though Vampire/Werewolf stuff was not where I saw it going.
Did you have a particular direction you wanted to go in with this? I mean at this point this could be a slice of life as easily as a sci-fi/fantasy. It depends on the type of story you have to tell.
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10-08-2008, 05:06 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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This isn't original or captivating, but it isn't shit.
Keep writing.
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10-08-2008, 05:58 PM
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#16
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 42
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Despanan
It's so open at this point it could literally go anywhere, though Vampire/Werewolf stuff was not where I saw it going.
Did you have a particular direction you wanted to go in with this? I mean at this point this could be a slice of life as easily as a sci-fi/fantasy. It depends on the type of story you have to tell.
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To be frank, I wasn't sure what direction I thought this story was going to go in. I would consider zombies, but that's just my odd obsession of all things dead and green. But sc-fi/fantasy does sound good.
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