Fallen Angel

[mizery]

So yeah, This poem isn't by me but My friend was begging me to post this so here it is.

Fallen angel
so lost and confused
shows no emotion
to much to lose

Broken dreams
no wings to fly
fighting the urge
to break down and cry

Tourtured soul
drowning in fear
no sweet release
no sign of tears

Hidden depths
no one can see
that girl is alone
that girl is me

~By Chloe Harris-Maloy

[MegearaErotica]

Why did they want you to post their poem?

[gothicusmaximus]

Every day, without fail, the literature forum lowers the bar even further.

[MegearaErotica]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Every day, without fail, the literature forum lowers the bar even further.

You've opened me up to the pleasure of self-torture, because somehow I always want to argue with you and yet you make sense.

[mizery]

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

Why did they want you to post their poem?

oh she thinks her poems dont get enogh credit or something along those lines

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by mizery

oh she thinks her poems dont get enogh credit or something along those lines

Her poems don't deserve high praise, because honestly, if this is any indication of the quality of the others, they aren't good.

[mizery]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Her poems don't deserve high praise, because honestly, if this is any indication of the quality of the others, they aren't good.

Sorry for my ignorance, but I don't get what your saying

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

You've opened me up to the pleasure of self-torture

Hey, I think you're onto something there. Compose some verse with that as the first line and you, too, can be a goffik poet.

I always want to argue with you and yet you make sense.

People who know me often experience this phenomenon, but it manifests in various different forms, such as their wanting to stab me and yet ending up in bed with me.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by mizery

Sorry for my ignorance, but I don't get what your saying

You said she feels she doesn't get enough credit for her work.
I'm saying she doesn't deserve much credit, because the poetry isn't good.

[mizery]

Ah, I see. Well thats your opinion I guess. Personaly I like it, it isn't the best but I still like it.

[JCC]

Originally Posted by mizery

that girl is alone
that girl is me

Yeah, well, your "friend" (note the quotation marks, I think this is your poem) needs to realise what being alone really is. The tepid ramblings of a white middle class alterniteen trying to be deep always suck.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by mizery

Ah, I see. Well thats your opinion I guess. Personaly I like it, it isn't the best but I still like it.

First of all, why do you say "that's your opinion?"
Does saying that make you feel better?

Second, it's not really an my opinion.
It's the opinion of EVERYONE who knows what good poetry is.
You can like it all you want, but it isn't good at all.

[mizery]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

First of all, why do you say "that's your opinion?"
Does saying that make you feel better?

Second, it's not really an my opinion.
It's the opinion of EVERYONE who knows what good poetry is.
You can like it all you want, but it isn't good at all.

Once again I say that that is your opinion. I really don't get why your insulting me though. You can't speak for everyone as well, ever think that maybe some people like it?

[mizery]

Originally Posted by JCC

Yeah, well, your "friend" (note the quotation marks, I think this is your poem) needs to realise what being alone really is. The tepid ramblings of a white middle class alterniteen trying to be deep always suck.

Your jumping to conlusions, which is really annoying. This poem is by Chloe Harris-Maloy, where as my name is Alice. She isn't middle class but dirt poor and she does have a really bad homme life. So really you can fuck off for all I care.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Originally Posted by mizery

Once again I say that that is your opinion.

Yeah?
Well. I throw in MY opinion and six other friends' of mine that actually enjoy good poetry (e.g. Kerouac)
So there you have it. Seven smart people against you, who probably likes Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer.
I'll include JCC, GM, badteccy, and Methadrine just to add a few more that I'm pretty sure will have the same opinion.
So there you have it; we're eleven people closer to proving you the "that's your opinion" thing is bullshit.
If anything, at least the "that's your opinion" bullshit is nothing but your opinion.

[TheBloodEternity]

I share the opinion as well, but that probably doesn't count for much.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by mizery

Once again I say that that is your opinion. I really don't get why your insulting me though. You can't speak for everyone as well, ever think that maybe some people like it?

If you can find where I've insulted you, I'll eat my hat.

Anyway, I'm sure there are people who like it.
I'm sure.

However, that person would not fall into the category of people I previously mentioned, that being "people who know what good poetry is."

That said, tell your friend I say to keep writing, and keep reading poetry.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Originally Posted by mizery

So yeah, This poem isn't by me but My friend was begging me to post this so here it is.

Fallen angel
so lost and confused
shows no emotion
to much to lose

Broken dreams
no wings to fly
fighting the urge
to break down and cry

Tourtured soul
drowning in fear
no sweet release
no sign of tears

Hidden depths
no one can see
that girl is alone
that girl is me

~By Chloe Harris-Maloy

She needs to:

Stop using terrible cliches (if you can use them and make a good poem then you are amazing, as it stands, this is not a good poem)
Increase her vocabulary
Fix up spelling
Use words and phrases more carefully: she's just tossing around dark and depressing words and romanticised phrases; fallen angel, alone, tears, fear, tortured (in conjunction with soul; forming 'tortured soul' it just sounds shit), cry, lost, lose. With an increased vocab, her understanding of the appropriateness of certain words and how to effectively use them SHOULD increase.

To give her merit for something, her rhyme scheme wasn't:

A
A
B
B

A
A
B
B

It was
A
B* (half rhyme)
C
D* (half rhyme)

A
B
C
B

A
B* (sort of a half rhyme)
C
D* (sort of a half rhyme)

A
B
C
B

I suppose that is a minor accomplishment on her part.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Your friend sucks as a poet.

[NightmareInShiningArmour]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Every day, without fail, the literature forum lowers the bar even further.

How low can it go??

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

You've opened me up to the pleasure of self-torture, because somehow I always want to argue with you and yet you make sense.

Don't even try. It's pointless. You'll always lose to Gothicus.

Originally Posted by mizery

Once again I say that that is your opinion. I really don't get why you're insulting me though. You can't speak for everyone as well, ever think that maybe some people like it?

Hence why she said everyone who knows what good poetry is. 'Course there's going to be plenty of depressed teenagers who are like "My life is so empty... uhhhhh... I can totally identify with this...".



EDIT: Wasn't there a Gothic Poetry generator that could produce poetry pretty much the same as this?

[JCC]

Originally Posted by mizery

Your jumping to conlusions, which is really annoying. This poem is by Chloe Harris-Maloy, where as my name is Alice. She isn't middle class but dirt poor and she does have a really bad homme life. So really you can fuck off for all I care.

You don't GET it, which is fairly unsurprising. If she were alone, as she implies, then she wouldn't have a friend to post her poem, would she? It's an improper use of an annoying cliché. I'm not sure what qualifies as dirt poor in Idaho, but from what I can see nobody is keeling over dying and from the fact that the state is amazingly affluent and looking at the average wage of each sector (http://www.bls.gov/oes/current/oes_id.htm), I'm fairly certain she could do with counting blessings. Frankly, these hidden depths that no-one can see had better be pretty fucking awesome, because this was shitty.

[Mealla]

It's not great, but everyone starts somewhere. The rhyme scheme does make it flow off the tongue, and the writer did avoid the common "forced rhyming/ awkward wording/passive voice" common to many teen poems, but rhyme scheme in and of itself doesn't make a good poem, and the phrases used are cliche to the point of sounding like something out of a Hallmark card if Hallmark were to start an emo line.

If she really is poor and has had a lot of bad experiences, tell her to try writing something about a specific incident she has experienced that made her feel the way she does. Using real life experience as a starting point may help her touch on something more universal without hitting so many cliches, and the specific experience may bring out more vivid imagery.

[JCC]

Tell her to try working on getting out of the situation rather than poisoning our brains with her rectal-dribble.

[mizery]

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

Yeah?
Well. I throw in MY opinion and six other friends' of mine that actually enjoy good poetry (e.g. Kerouac)
So there you have it. Seven smart people against you, who probably likes Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer.
I'll include JCC, GM, badteccy, and Methadrine just to add a few more that I'm pretty sure will have the same opinion.
So there you have it; we're eleven people closer to proving you the "that's your opinion" thing is bullshit.
If anything, at least the "that's your opinion" bullshit is nothing but your opinion.

-_- ok now your just jumpng to conclusions. First of all I hate Stephanie Meyer and Anne Rice. Secondly, I don't care (note that I'm not swearing, because that would be unintelegant) if you have eleven 'smart' people against me.

[mizery]

Originally Posted by JCC

Tell her to try working on getting out of the situation rather than poisoning our brains with her rectal-dribble.

I'll do that as soon as I talk to her.