New Joke thread - Page 7

Ben Lahnger · 03-15-2006, 12:29 PM

Urine Trouble

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him "What the hell is wrong with you?"

So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"

Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"

Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"

"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,

"Thats what I thought," said Ray. "But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"

Ben Lahnger · 03-17-2006, 07:34 AM

Alwaysready Batteries ... They Keep Going And Going And Going ...

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dddddooooo yyyoooouuuu hhhhhhhave dddddddddiilllldosss?

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk oonnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitchoff?

Ben Lahnger · 03-18-2006, 07:18 AM

babygoth = baby jokes?

Grape Expectations

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

Ben Lahnger · 03-18-2006, 08:52 AM

Games For When We are ... Older

1. Sag, you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

Ben Lahnger · 03-18-2006, 09:35 AM

Everything's BIGGER In Texas!

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Ben Lahnger · 03-19-2006, 11:59 AM

Hello, Dolly!

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and an Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man. She only fakes it with Ken."

Ben Lahnger · 03-19-2006, 12:11 PM

In honor of St. Patricks day, I present:

The Emerald Aisle

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've has sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest, "you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle in her shiny stilettos and sits down in front of the altar.

Her short emerald skirt leaves little to the imagination - the priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Fannie Green?"

"No Father," replies the altar boy. "I think it's just the refection off her shoes."

Ben Lahnger · 03-19-2006, 01:54 PM

Data' Cure Ya!

One day in line at the company lunchroom, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow really hurts. I think I better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at the supermarket, just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what is wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs five dollars ... a lot quicker and better than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the supermarket. He deposits five dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

* You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and dughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to the supermarket, eager to see what would happen. He deposited five dollars, poured in the concotion and awaited the results.

The computer ejected the following printout:

* Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
* Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo.
* Your daugher has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
* Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
* If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Oubliette · 03-20-2006, 12:00 PM

Q: What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?

A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a..........Crack Snacker!

IlGato_DiDiablo · 03-21-2006, 03:20 AM

A blonde Paintjob

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

IlGato_DiDiablo · 03-21-2006, 03:26 AM

Rejected Titles for the movie Brokeback Mountain:

- "PRANCES WITH WOLVES"
- "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON"
- "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID"
- "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE"
- "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG"
- "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER"
- "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID"
- "LONESOME DOUG"
- "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN"
- "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER"
- "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!"
- "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES"
- "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER"
- "BAREBACK MOUNTING"
- "BONE-NANZA"
- "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS"
- "HOME ON THE RANGER"
- "OKLAHOMO"
- "ROOSTER COCKBURN"
- "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"
- "BALONEY PONY RODEO"
- "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS"
- "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!"

IlGato_DiDiablo · 03-21-2006, 03:35 AM

Life is all about ass!!

Life is all about ass!!

You are either:

covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
behaving like one,
or living with one.

Ben Lahnger · 03-22-2006, 11:53 AM

The Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

---------------------------------
*groans everywhere* ... yep, I know!

tenet_2012 · 03-22-2006, 11:57 AM

This Is A Cry For Help

Extreme tastleless jokes about dead babies and racist shit.

It is funny if you have a sense of humour and are not easily offended. If you are easily offended do not click the link.

edible_eye · 03-23-2006, 03:23 AM

Balls and guts...

We've all heard about people who are courageous are defined as having guts
or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In a effort
to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"!!!

BALLS is coming home late, after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, giving your wife a good slap on
the ass and having the balls to say "You're next."!!!!!

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

edible_eye · 03-23-2006, 03:24 AM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people

Ben Lahnger · 03-23-2006, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edible_eye

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
It pays to be careful around old people

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I like that ... a lot!

Ben Lahnger · 03-24-2006, 11:19 AM

The Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fucking checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fucking checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and is this damn bitch giving you a fucking hard time?"

Oubliette · 03-24-2006, 11:23 AM

Q: Why do women parachutists wear jock straps?

A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

horrorgirl · 03-24-2006, 11:32 AM

His mommy is going to take away his computer when she finds out. Poor little troll.

horrorgirl · 03-24-2006, 11:49 AM

Did somebody on this board put poo in your dumplings? Poor thing. You have got to be the most boring troll I have ever encountered. It's really easy to figure you out. You got pissed off at somebody after they either:
A: Banned you from here under a different name.
B: Bested you in a debate and you couldn't handle being shown to the world that you are indeed an idiot.
C: OR you secretly have a hard-on for the person you are attempting to harrass.

Either way you are nothing more than a disgruntled troll with too much time on your hands. I would like to think that you have a hard-on for the person since I'm freaky like that.

horrorgirl · 03-24-2006, 11:58 AM

He is now on my ignore list.

Empty_Purple_Stars · 03-24-2006, 12:05 PM

It is being handled.

Rest assured.

Ben Lahnger · 03-24-2006, 03:26 PM

Okay, can everyone stop cluttering up the joke thread with unfunny stuff that's going to remain here after his posts are deleted?

Oh, and if you could post a joke or two, that'd be great. I could use a laugh or two right now.

Empty_Purple_Stars · 03-24-2006, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nasher

you shut up or i'll clone you.

Boy, he sure told you Santarea!!!!
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I bet you wish you had a nickel for everytime you've heard that one...
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*crickets*
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I don't know whether to be deeply disturbed, or sickeningly amused..