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Politics "Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -and both commonly succeed, and are right." -H.L. Menken

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Old 04-14-2005, 06:47 PM   #1
MrMaelstrom
 
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My/Your Country Blows

Edit: Thread split from Queer-bashing Dissected.

(yawns) Can we get back to talking about stuff that really matters (like me and how good-looking and inteligent I am)?
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:26 PM   #2
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Sure.

Also. you need a bracket to hold your toilet paper. I noticed you did not have one of those.
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:49 PM   #3
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It's a cousin's toilet. Not mine.
But thanks. Your concern over the cleanliness of my arse is deeply touching. :shock:
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Old 04-14-2005, 08:13 PM   #4
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Nope, the Hitler joke was mine. :oops:

...and here's another:


Adolf Hitler dies and finds himself in front of the door of Hell. He knocks, Satan opens the door and asks: "What's your name?"
"Adolf Hitler", he replies. Satan is flabbergasted. "Adolf Hitler? I know what you did on Earth and there's not way I am going to take you in. Indeed, this is Hell, but there's a limit to everything. Hey, why don't you go to Heaven? Follow the road, there's a big door on the right, you can't miss it."

Elated by this stroke of luck, Hitler starts walking towards Heaven.

The following day, there's a knock at the door of Hell. Satan opens and finds Jesus standing outside.

"Jesus, what are you doing here?", he asks, surprised.

And Jesus replies: "I just escaped from the camp and would like to apply for political asylum!"
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Old 04-14-2005, 08:23 PM   #5
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And now a couple of nazi vs. jew jokes:

A Florida reporter went to interview an elderly Jewish man who had recently won the Florida state lottery.

"So tell me," the reporter began, "what do you plan to do with the $10 million dollars?"

"Well," the old man replied, "I'm planning on keeping $2 million for me and my wife, and donating $2 million to the local synagogue, $2 million to my grandchildren, and the remaining $4 million to the Hitler Youth movement."

The startled reporter replied "Sir, with all due respect, I can understand donating to your local synagogue and your grandchildren, but why are you donating ANYTHING to the Hitler Youth movement?"

"Why," the old man replied rolling up his sleeve, "where do you think I got the numbers from?"


(I think it's funny)


A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler sitting all alone at a table in the corner. The man asks the bartender, "is that Adolf Hitler?"

"Yes, it is," the bartender replies.

"I've always wanted to ask him something."

"You can't ask Hitler a question unless you buy him a drink."

So the man buys Hitler a drink, and the Fuhrer nods at him to come over.

"I've always wanted to ask you a question," says the man hesitantly.

"Well you bought the beer," replies Hitler. "Ask away."

"I've always been curious... how many people did you actually kill during that whole Holocaust thing."

Hitler sits back and thinks. "8 million Jews and about a half a dozen circus clowns."

"Half a dozen circus clowns?" cries the man. "Why the hell did you kill a half a dozen circus clowns???"

Hitler looks at him straight in the face and says, "See? Nobody cares about the Jews!"


(I also think it's funny)
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Old 04-14-2005, 08:42 PM   #6
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A Portuguese guy entered a room, where a Japanese guy was in front of a tank where there was a fish. Then the Portuguese noticed that everything that the Japanese did, the fish imitated: when the Japanese turned to right, the fish turned to right, when the Japanese turned to left, the fish turned to left and so on.
The Portuguese was marveled with this and asked the Japanese how he could do that. The Japanese told him that it was very easy, because he had a superior mind, so the fish did what he wanted. Then the Japanese said that he had to go to the W.C. and would be back within some minutes, but that meanwhile the Portuguese should try to do the same with the fish.
Some minutes later the Japanese returned and was amazed to see the Portuguese and the fish in the same places, but the Portuguese was opening and closing his mouth without saying anything...


You know you are Portuguese when ...

1. Your mother or grandmother has Maria in her name.

2. You have a rooster napkin holder.

3. Your father or grandfather is called Manuel, Josť, Antonio, or Jo„o.

4. You have crocheted doilies on your kitchen counters, dining room, living room, bedroom--on all your tables.

5. You decorate your walls with plates.

6. Your house is a mini church with just as may statues of saints and Jesus as your church itself.

7. You are an immigrant and come home from France, Germany, or Switzerland every August to see your family and work on the construction of your retirement home in your village.

8. You're 25 and still living with your parents. (Note: Give yourself 20 extra points if you're married and living with your spouse in your parent's house!!!)

9. You warn other drivers of police on the highway by flashing your lights, even though one of the drivers might have just robbed a bank.

10. You baptize your child and send him to catechism even though you might never go to church except for weddings and funerals.

11. You think all university graduates should be called "Doutor" and like to be called so if you are one of the chosen few who have managed to finish college.

12. You park on the sidewalk when necessary, even asking the person standing there to please move away.

13. You have a mobile phone and spend a small fortune on it, but think twice about going to the dentist.

14. You have a mother or grandmother who wears black.

15. You spend your holidays in Spain instead of in Portugal because it is cheaper.

16. If you are a woman, you have been to see a "curandeiro" (healer) or have had your fortune told.

17. You insist you wouldn't be caught dead buying Spanish olive oil even though most of the olive oil consumed in Portugal comes from Spain.

18. You laugh at jokes about the Alentejanos but get angry to know that the same jokes are told in Brazil about the Portuguese.

19. If you live in a rural area during the summer you are bound to hear a firecracker exploding outside your window. But I guess it is better than Tony Carrera or Marco Paulo blasting from the village loudspeakers.

20. You think that you can catch a cold with a draft or by sitting in the spring sun. Cold drinks are also thought to bring on the dreadful "gripe". And don't let anyone have a shower after eating as something terrible could happen to them.

21. You get a letter from your doctor saying you can't work because of an "unspecified, ongoing medical condition" and then go on a two-week holiday.

22. Your child's teacher misses two weeks (because of a letter from his or her doctor) and you don't complain because you also will use the same doctor when you have to miss two weeks from your work.

23. If you are from Porto you don't like people from Lisbon and call them Moors. The reverse is also true but they don't call you a nice word like "Moor".

24. You think Brazilians speak incorrect Portuguese and will not read a book written in Brazilian Portuguese.

25. The last major military victory you can remember your country having was the Battle of Aljubarrota in 1385.

26. You say that the Portuguese, unlike the Spanish, are good at learning foreign languages.
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Old 04-14-2005, 09:09 PM   #7
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And to really stick a bug up everyone else here...


You know you're American when:

...You feel that your kind of people aren't being listened to enough in Washington.

...You wouldn't expect both inflation and unemployment to be very high (say, over 15%) at the same time.

...You don't care very much what family someone comes from.

...The normal thing, when a couple dies, is for their estate to be divided equally between their children.

...You think of opera and ballet as rather elite entertainments. It's likely you don't see that many plays, either.

...Christmas is in the winter. Unless you're Jewish, you spend it with your family, give presents, and put up a tree.

...You may think the church is too powerful, or the state is; but you are used to not having a state church and don't think that it would be a good idea.

...You'd be hard pressed to name the capitals or the leaders of all the nations of Europe.

...You aren't familiar with Mafalda, Lucky Luke, Corto Maltese, Milo Manara, Guido Crepax, Gotlib, or Moebius.

...You've left a message at the beep.

...Taxis are generally operated by foreigners, who are often deplorably ignorant about the city.

...You are distrustful of welfare and unemployment payments-- you think people should earn a living and not take handouts. But you would not be in favor of eliminating Social Security and Medicare.

...If you want to be a doctor, you need to get a bachelor's first.

...There sure are a lot of lawyers.

...You call football "soccer" and call Grid Iron "football".

...You call your national sports championship "The World Series", although most of the world has no clue as to how it's played, nor cares much for it (unlike "soccer").



Feeling bitchy today? Get in line!
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Old 04-15-2005, 12:27 AM   #8
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Hehehe! That was great! A tour de force of political incorrectness.

Here are some interesting "facts" about Norwegians.

You Know You're Norwegian When...

You assume that a stranger on the street who smiles at or greets you is:
a) drunk.
b) insane.
c) an American.
d) All of the above.

You vigorously defend whaling and enjoy consuming whale meat.

You enjoy the taste of lutefisk (jelly-like, bad-smelling fish) and cod prepared in any way, including fried cod tongues.

You can prepare fish in five different ways without cooking it.

You don't question the habit of always preparing a "matpakke" (sandwich in paper).

You have two cars, a cabin and a boat, if not more.

You think there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.

It feels natural to wear sport clothes and backpack everywhere, including the cinema, bowling alley, and to church.

You think it's weird if a house isn't wooden.

You know at least five different words for describing different textures of snow.

You don't fall when walking on ice.

You earn more than you spend.

You associate Easter with cross-country skiing with friends and family in the familys mountain cabin.

You are shocked if it's not 2 months of snow every year, at least!

You can see mountains and the ocean, no matter where you are.

You expect all dinner parties and meetings to start precisely on time, if not before.

You fall 3 metres, and don't get hurt. If you do, you're not worried at all.

You can't understand why foreigners haven't heard about BjÝrn Dśhlie.

You're proud to be Norwegian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Norwegian friends!
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Old 04-15-2005, 12:38 AM   #9
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I like this. I think I'll turn it into a new thread.

Edit: Done.
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Old 04-15-2005, 02:07 AM   #10
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eh eh eh
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Old 04-15-2005, 02:46 AM   #11
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eheheh
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Old 04-15-2005, 03:28 AM   #12
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I am so going to Hell for laughing at all those! :lol:
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Old 04-15-2005, 03:41 AM   #13
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Old 04-15-2005, 05:47 AM   #14
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WWII Nazi propaganda poster from the occupied Norway.

Behold the terrible giant robot of American cultural imperialism!
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Old 04-15-2005, 06:09 AM   #15
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And another... This one, ironically, American made.
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Old 04-15-2005, 07:42 AM   #16
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Something also ironic I heard the other day -

Dead Kennedys - Kinky Sex Makes The World Go Round

I was like, fuckin a! Hearing it today (along with 'Weve Got A Bigger Problem Now') is just ironic, funny, and well, sp00ky!

SlŠn
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Old 04-15-2005, 10:25 AM   #17
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Come on Al.... ....You know you wanna...... :twisted:
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Old 04-15-2005, 10:53 AM   #18
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Old 04-15-2005, 01:54 PM   #19
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Old 04-16-2005, 10:39 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xnguela
I don't want to be in Jesusland... anyone want to offer me a bedroom, er, room elsewhere?


Please?


:shock:
Room for one more :P

Ahhh... I love these!
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Old 04-16-2005, 10:55 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xnguela
I don't want to be in Jesusland... anyone want to offer me a bedroom, er, room elsewhere?


Please?


:shock:
can I come too?
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Old 04-16-2005, 12:12 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Solumina
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xnguela
I don't want to be in Jesusland... anyone want to offer me a bedroom, er, room elsewhere?


Please?


:shock:
can I come too?
Apply for amnesty and come live in me and Granny's dorm room! We'll show you a little US of Canada-style hospitality...
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Old 04-16-2005, 12:19 PM   #23
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sounds like fun :wink:
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Old 04-16-2005, 12:32 PM   #24
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TStone I am proud of you! You were nearing the border of Bleedingheartville but you checked the map, and your balls, and did a u-turn! Nice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMaelstrom
Come on Al.... ....You know you wanna...... :twisted:
Mael I am shocked...to think I'd photoshop a politically incorrect picture and post it on this board...shame on you for thinking so low of me. :x
























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Old 04-16-2005, 12:39 PM   #25
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I know you hate Sternn but leave Ireland out of it
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