Let's start a fire.

[Disaffected Shoelaces]

I liked the original last line, too.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by blackwater1110

Get rid of the 'poetry is pissing from the rooftops, not wearing sweatshop shoes' bit. It sounds like a slogan you'd put on a button, like 'dumpsters are for lovers.'

I like your original final line: The planet's so much prettier/ when the minds in it are/ ugly." Just the way it is.

My attitude on those two lines is the exact inverse of yours.

The original wording, mind you, where you kept your intellectual references to a minimum and stuck with clever wordplay and universal symbolism.

Universal symbolism? You mean, like, clichés? I would box you over this.

That said, I've seen a recent draft of this that has yet to be posted here, and JCC removed a fair number of the elements you found problematic.

[blackwater1110]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Universal symbolism? You mean, like, clichés? I would box you over this.

I would box you over this too, not so much because I care so much one way or another about your opinion but because it would be fun to punch you in the face.

That said, I've seen a recent draft of this that has yet to be posted here, and JCC removed a fair number of the elements you found problematic.

That's because he knows I'm a L337 P037 and I pwnd j00!

I'd like to see an update. JCC, let's see it!

[JCC]

I destroyed the poem entirely in my unadulterated rage at how insufferable I found it. I'm afraid that I don't think I have any record of the final draft that I produced.

[Scareebowfairy]

Do you regret that yet? ^

[Siris]

Originally Posted by JCC

Let's all watch the world burn
if the people get interesting.
The planet's so much prettier
when the minds in it are
ugly.

Last stanza was written very well. Good job!

[JCC]

Yo, poems I wrote when I was 13 are off-limits bro, there's some embarrassing shit from back there.

[LakitaJackson]

Originally Posted by Siris

Last stanza was written very well. Good job!

You're an idiot. You know nothing of poetry and you decide to give feedback to someone else's work?

[LakitaJackson]

Originally Posted by JCC

Yo, poems I wrote when I was 13 are off-limits bro, there's some embarrassing shit from back there.

It's cheek-blushingly angsty, but I've read worse. d:

[JCC]

You should see the one where I punch Jesus, shit is wild.

[LakitaJackson]

Originally Posted by JCC

You should see the one where I punch Jesus, shit is wild.

You punched jeezus? Oh, noes!

God gonn' smite yo' ass!

[Siris]

Originally Posted by LakitaJackson

You're an idiot. You know nothing of poetry and you decide to give feedback to someone else's work?

Are you going to stop trolling everything I post, or just keep making an complete imbecile of yourself?

[Siris]

Originally Posted by JCC

Yo, poems I wrote when I was 13 are off-limits bro, there's some embarrassing shit from back there.

Yeah I think the first thing I ever wrote I was 13. It's still okay, when I reread. But yeah I know what you mean.

[LakitaJackson]

Originally Posted by Siris

Are you going to stop trolling everything I post, or just keep making an complete imbecile of yourself?

Originally Posted by Siris's Myspace

Oh so dark, I feel just like satan's little whore

Yeah...I'm the imbecile.

[Siris]

Oh but you are as you can't taste the irony and sarcasm of the caption. So I guess you choose the latter, good job you are an imbecile!

[LakitaJackson]

Originally Posted by Siris

Oh but you are as you can't taste the irony and sarcasm of the caption.

Irony and sarcasm? 'Splain please.

[Siris]

Originally Posted by LakitaJackson

Irony and sarcasm? 'Splain please.

God damn you are dumb.
The picture and caption are sarcastically making fun of how so many different kids dress up and take oh so dark pictures of themselves and post stupid ass captions hoping to be dark and gothic. It's ironic because I do I suppose I lean more towards a darker style. I'm making fun of people while also making of fun of myself.

[LakitaJackson]

Originally Posted by Siris

God damn you are dumb.
The picture and caption are sarcastically making fun of how so many different kids dress up and take oh so dark pictures of themselves and post stupid ass captions hoping to be dark and gothic. It's ironic because I do I suppose I lean more towards a darker style. I'm making fun of people while also making of fun of myself.

So much lulz, I almost cracked a rib from laughter. Thank you.

[Wolve]

Back to the Poem...

First I wanted to commend you for using cock and balls in a poem and not have it be cheesy or sent to the editor of penthouse (not that there isn't a place for smut mind you).

I did like the original version better, but sometimes Raw is what your looking for in a poem. Where you take it is up to you. increasing the intellectual references or artfully simplistic symbolism. Its up to you. Who is your target audience. Who are you trying to reach with this?? With the upstart overtones it seems obvious that it is meant to reach or rebel rouse people. So decide who you want to reach and that may help the direction. Again, I was fond of it the way it was anyway.

I particularly like "why is controversy in cardiac arrest?" simple but does really beg the question. When taken with the context of the rest of the piece, it does provoke strong feelings and emotion. I am not sure that controversy is completely dead with people like Amy Winehouse in the news all the time, I mean she is no Madonna sticking it to the catholic church live and in concert, but she does cause quite a stir, or Eminem? So potentially some elaboration of the concept. I mean I see the disheartened feelings about the apathy of the "PC" generation. Maybe just more on what that "fire" is that is missing from the youth of today? or todays society as a whole?

I also liked this line from the original version "and teach poetry not as words but as an idea." This line is also powerful. It also tells the audience that you are with them and are personally wanting to change things. Ignoring the rest of the context; the concept of teaching poetry as an idea is powerful. Again it implies you have a stake in the world the poem is describing.

I like the soggy logs as well. Very vivid and made me crack a smile. Witty exaggeration of just how bad the state of affairs are in your poem and the level of effort that will be needed to get things going back in the right direction.

Finally, I did also like the reference to the world being more beautiful if the minds in it are ugly.

Overall I thought it was pretty darn spiffy, but thats just my 2 copper bits.

-Wolve

************************************************** **
"You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self.
Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them.
You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past." - Richard Bach

[JCC]

Poem is old, embarrassing and off-limits. It's nice that you liked it but for real, let it die, I cringe every time I see this thread.