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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 08-08-2010, 02:11 AM   #1
AnthonyApocalypse
 
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Dark Poems from a Fractured Mind.

This is going to be a collection of my poetry that I write from time to time. would love some feedback on here.


The ever consuming Shadow
A darkness...
A darkness that fills a void where something was lost, but will never be found.
A vacuum that sucks all the breath out of you whenever you breathe.
For now and ever my mind is gone, replaced with a shadow that us taking me over.
For now the Shadow is good. It makes me eat, it makes me shave, it makes me shower and work.
But what happens when the shadow no longer wishes to be good.
A shadow consumes
Consumes all life, all love, all happiness.
It replaces it with a anger, lust and greed that cannot be sated.
So for now I sit and wait, for a destructive force to take over.
For when it does I will be prepared.
For it will be the sign of the apocalypse.
Not of the world, but of the mind.
An apocalypse so powerful that it could leave a shell.
A shell that will need to be filled, just like a snail moves from place to place,
So must the shadow. For it grows bigger and stronger, as the days go on.
And now I shall fade, and watch the shadow consume.
For in the deepest recesses of the mind my shadow is my savior.
A savior from a future and a past.
A new beginning. An alpha and an omega.
My shadow is my not my end. but a new beginning into a life of uncertainty.
And it feels good to know. That though things seem pre-destined, how we come to that destiny is our choosing.
For darkness consumes the light, and replaces it with a new color.
A deep shade of red. The darkest and most sinister red that can ever be found.
For red is my color, red is my life, and red is a color that knows no bounds.
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Old 08-08-2010, 03:12 AM   #2
Alan
 
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If your poem begins with the description "dark" and the first important word it contains is "darkness" you know your poem is gonna be a piece of shit.
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:55 AM   #3
Sinjob
 
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There are some moments that are promising here, but you must understand that this piece comes across as pretty generic. I mean, honestly, the people that will be clicking to read this the most are probably gonna be the not-so-minority of babybats that end up swarming here.

(and they'll leave blind criticisms like "this was really good" because since it's a darker poem they feel they relate to that because we all now how dark they are. Not good for feedback).
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:51 AM   #4
allyssa
 
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I like the concept of the shadow and how it creates an opening for all things
but you limit it to red...perhaps as time goes on their will be more to add within the shadow.


also, i think the poem needs more line breaks. it would be better if it ran faster like a stream it is a bit clunky and line breaks are a way to change the entire pace of the poem. more breaks the faster the poem is, the start is good but the middle should run faster. when you break a line the important words and images should make the first and last word because they will be emphasized and the reader will linger on those images
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Old 08-08-2010, 01:17 PM   #5
Azareal Crow
 
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I'm actually afraid to say that I like it because I understand what each of the above comments is saying, but I like the way it feels. I feel like at this moment of my life I can relate with it even though my reasons are fairly juvenile.
The pacing of it reads slowly and that's both good and bad, good because I can feel the passage of time, but bad because that passage of time feels like I'm walking in molasses and that extreme slowness is rather cliched and boring.
But I'm definitely feeling it and would say it's not that bad.
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Old 04-27-2023, 09:21 PM   #6
bekeann
 
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One suggestion for improvement would be to vary your sentence structure and rhythm a bit more to keep the reader wordle engaged. Also, consider breaking up the poem into stanzas to emphasize different aspects of the theme and allow the reader to pause and reflect on each idea. Overall, keep writing and exploring your ideas through poetry.
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Old 12-04-2023, 03:12 AM   #7
tuanlon
 
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There are many fun wordle poems or ideas for you to get inspired and create such types of poetry, I think it's good and necessary for all of us, hope for the next articles will bring joy to everyone.
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Old 01-10-2024, 12:26 AM   #8
SteGuite
 
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It's evident that your poem explores the theme of inner darkness. How do you envision the role of the shadow in shaping your perception of life and the choices you make?

For those providing feedback, how crucial do you believe varying sentence structures and rhythms are in enhancing the engagement of the reader in a poem like this?
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Old 02-21-2024, 09:29 PM   #9
Conoytus
 
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How do you perceive the impact of varying sentence structures and rhythms in enhancing the engagement of readers in a poem like this?
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