Gothic.net News Horror Gothic Lifestyle Fiction Movies Books and Literature Dark TV VIP Horror Professionals Professional Writing Tips Links Gothic Forum




Go Back   Gothic.net Community > Boards > Literature

Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-06-2007, 05:32 AM   #1
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
Pendulum

Whoever made this thing was mad;
whatever planned it was assured.
I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.
Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.
The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.
I could ignore its face with time,
but I will always see its parts,
and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 09:27 AM   #2
DarkHeartedDemoness
 
DarkHeartedDemoness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
Quote:
Originally Posted by om3gag0th666
Whoever made this thing was mad;
whatever planned it was assured.
Decent start, a good hook and just cryptic enough to pull the reader in.
Quote:
I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.
Something about this rhymed couplet makes both rhymes seem forced.
Quote:
Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.
"Behaving"? Can you come up with a 3-syllable synonym that doesn't sound so odd? If you can, you probably should.
Quote:
The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.
Nice. For some reason, it reminds me of a couplet in Shakespeare's Sonnet CXVI, "It is the star to every wandering bark/ Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken." It's not even that similar, but it reminds me of that, so I thought I'd mention it. I recommend reading the Sonnet if you haven't. http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/363.html
Quote:
I could ignore its face with time,
but I will always see its parts,
Nice personification. Its short, to-the-point tone brings to mind fragments, which echoes the message.
Quote:
and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.
I like "adage chime". Creative use of words.

I would make a few minor changes, but overall it's quite good. I wouldn't have taken the time to critique if it wasn't.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.

--Emily Dickinson
DarkHeartedDemoness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 02:01 PM   #3
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
I think you should re-read it, I don't think you so much as recognized the rhyme scheme, or the scansion.

Glad and secured are not a rhyming couplet, ABABCDCDEFEF...

Incase you aren't familiar, Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter with feminine endings in his sonnets.

I also like writing in iambic, but I write in iambic tetrameter.

The better question is: what does it mean? Also, I didn't personify the pendulum at that part, I did when I said, "with stoic care," etc.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 02:33 PM   #4
maggot
 
maggot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,421
You obviously know far more about poetry than this one, so could you explain what feminine [and masculine, if they exist too] endings are?
__________________
You ain't no punk, you punk; you wanna talk about the real junk?
maggot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 02:51 PM   #5
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
Feminine endings =

"To be or not to be that is the question"

As you can see it has eleven syllables, but the last beat is unstressed.

Masculine endings are of course ones that lack the unstressed beat.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 03:16 PM   #6
DarkHeartedDemoness
 
DarkHeartedDemoness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
Quote:
Originally Posted by om3gag0th666
I think you should re-read it, I don't think you so much as recognized the rhyme scheme, or the scansion.

Glad and secured are not a rhyming couplet, ABABCDCDEFEF...

Incase you aren't familiar, Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter with feminine endings in his sonnets.

I also like writing in iambic, but I write in iambic tetrameter.

The better question is: what does it mean? Also, I didn't personify the pendulum at that part, I did when I said, "with stoic care," etc.
You're absolutely right, "glad" and "secured" are not a rhyming couplet. Perhaps my use of "couplet" was incorrect. What I meant to say (and I thought I was clear on this, but apparently not) is that something about that couplet (and I think that's the right term) makes the rhymes seem forced: the rhymes I am referring to are "mad" and "glad", "secured" and "assured".

I apologize for that misunderstanding.

As to the personification, I assumed that was your intent when you said that you ignored its face. I thought you were lending double meaning to the word. I guess I was wrong.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.

--Emily Dickinson
DarkHeartedDemoness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 03:22 PM   #7
DarkHeartedDemoness
 
DarkHeartedDemoness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
Quote:
Whoever made this thing was mad;
whatever planned it was assured.
I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.
I was saying that the first to lines are great, they really hook the reader, the words are well chosen and it's almost alluring. The two lines that follow feel forced, as though they were chosen merely to continue the rhyme scheme.

I'm sure you've read poems where the rhymes seem forced, haven't you? I hope you understand what I'm referring to.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.

--Emily Dickinson
DarkHeartedDemoness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 03:28 PM   #8
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
Secured is used very carefully. I am not some hack who picks words to fit the rhyme, I took at least 2-3 dozen words and that one fit my message.

Secure doesn't always have to be a good thing. Ever secured someone to a prison? It's a light abstraction to fool the reader into thinking the narrator is saying something nice, but he's really saying:

Now I know I can die.

The person (if no one can tell) is contemplating how it's impossible to ignore impending doom. That only someone insane could have made something that can visually and acoustically tick away a person's life.

The first four lines is really saying (what intention I wrote it with):

Whoever made this thing was absolutely insane, I know I wouldn't be happy making something that could show me I have a calculable life.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 03:37 PM   #9
DarkHeartedDemoness
 
DarkHeartedDemoness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
I didn't say you were a hack. I said that it sounded a little forced. Overall, I truly loved the poem.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.

--Emily Dickinson
DarkHeartedDemoness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2007, 10:18 PM   #10
BlackButterfly
 
BlackButterfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: the eternal suburbs
Posts: 654
*OH*... I like this one. Good stuff!
__________________
According to an article in USA Today, children from single parent homes have much better verbal skills than children from two parent homes. However, children from two parent homes are far superior at bitterly sarcastic repertoire.

I'd love to see crowds of kids running away from a greased naked guy with Jesus hair.--
c130
BlackButterfly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-07-2007, 09:56 PM   #11
maggot
 
maggot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,421
Oh, I see!

Thanks, mate.
__________________
You ain't no punk, you punk; you wanna talk about the real junk?
maggot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2007, 03:49 AM   #12
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
You see what?
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2007, 05:26 PM   #13
Godslayer Jillian
 
Godslayer Jillian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
Heh, the difference between feminine and masculine endings.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.

I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin

Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Godslayer Jillian is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2007, 07:02 PM   #14
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
Crap, I didn't even realize that. So what did you think Jill?
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2007, 07:31 PM   #15
Godslayer Jillian
 
Godslayer Jillian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
As for me, it makes me smile. I have tried to think more to say about it (which is why I've taken so long to respond) but it just makes me smile.
The deep concentration with which the narrator watches the pendulum makes me think of either a genius or a guy in an acid trip that was left in front of a clock for too long. Either way it strangely reminds me of Lewis Carrol, even though the poem has nothing to do with his writing style.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.

I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin

Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Godslayer Jillian is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2007, 09:10 PM   #16
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
In this case it's the genius. :P Thinking about the creation that has mastered mortality.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2007, 09:25 PM   #17
Circle V
 
Circle V's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Northwestern Washington
Posts: 921
Worship of the genius is a dangerous thing. That said, this is an excellent poem.
__________________
It is time, it is high time... Yes, but to do what?
--Friedrich Nietzsche
Circle V is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2007, 08:44 PM   #18
emeraldlonewoulf
 
emeraldlonewoulf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: 750 mi north of AZ equivalent to Derry, Maine
Posts: 673
It is almost like I can hear some great clock ticking in the background, and hear a barritone chime count out the hour in solemn finality.

It seems as if it was written from the perspective of someone who realizes how deadly to the soul being ruled by time or a set schedule can be. It shows someone writhing against the constraints of time.

It also seems to show an awareness of time passing, and the inevitability of and end, and how swiftly it arrives.

It also seems to imply a malevolent power behind the passage of time that also prevents you from using it as you would wish.

It implies an anger against this malevolent force, in addition to an awareness of it.

In the end we all die, we all have less time than we think, and we should have an awareness of that in order to combat "life happens, and that's why I never did -" (fill in the blank) syndrome.
__________________
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with catsup." - unknown



question:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormtrooper of Death
(shouts) WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG??!!?
answer:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beneath the Shadows
Because some people are dicks. And not everyone else is gay.
emeraldlonewoulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-2007, 12:23 PM   #19
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
My intention broken down line for line:

Whoever made this thing was mad;

The pendulum, whoever made the concept of time was probably insane.


whatever planned it was assured.

Planned = Death, death is now something that can be planned upon, it's impending. It's assured.


I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.

Imagery used to disguise the real meaning. The narrator is saying that it would make them glad to know they are going to die. That it wouldn't make them glad to create such a thing.


Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.

An allusion to the Reaper's sickle.


The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.

The imperturbability of time, the invariable motion of it. The pendulum is beautiful, but it's only to dissuade one to recognize its awful power over your life.

I could ignore its face with time,

Used to throw the reader off again. Not the face of the pendulum, but rather completing the metaphor of the pendulum as TIME. It faces time, because it is TIME. Instead of the noun face, the verb.


but I will always see its parts,

Parts of time. Parts of the clock. Parts of aging, etc.


and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.


Life ends before it even starts. That's all it's saying.

This is the intent I wrote with...of course I could go on to explain this further, but I just wanted everyone to know the gist of it.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-2007, 11:55 PM   #20
emeraldlonewoulf
 
emeraldlonewoulf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: 750 mi north of AZ equivalent to Derry, Maine
Posts: 673
good explanation. however, you must realize that each individual reader will color what they read with their own perceptions and experience. THat is the wonderful thing about good poetry, or good music, is that in addition to conveying emotion, or thought, it inspires those things within the reader as well. They may not think or feel exactly what you do, but their individual inspiration/understanding will follow in the same general direction.

Perhaps my take on it is because that is some of what i deal with, and so it is already in my mind, so your piece brings it to the forefront.

In any case, this is a solid, well crafted piece, a bit unusual in terms and rythym, but entertaining and thought provoking in spite of - no, because of it. Thank you for sharing.
__________________
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with catsup." - unknown



question:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormtrooper of Death
(shouts) WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG??!!?
answer:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beneath the Shadows
Because some people are dicks. And not everyone else is gay.
emeraldlonewoulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2007, 01:41 AM   #21
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
Rhytmn? Iambic tetrameter is the second most used meter I believe. :'(

It's not like I was starting my line with spondees, or this was a double dactyl.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2007, 01:57 AM   #22
emeraldlonewoulf
 
emeraldlonewoulf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: 750 mi north of AZ equivalent to Derry, Maine
Posts: 673
i don't know much about the technical side of poetry, I think perhaps it was the stresses (?) at the end of each line. I like the way it emphasizes the feel of the poem though. Kind of like the low chimes of a grandfather clock in an old, dusty house.
__________________
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with catsup." - unknown



question:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormtrooper of Death
(shouts) WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG??!!?
answer:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beneath the Shadows
Because some people are dicks. And not everyone else is gay.
emeraldlonewoulf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2007, 09:53 AM   #23
om3gag0th666
 
om3gag0th666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
You should familiarize yourself; because even a man such as Dr.Seuss has mastered it.

He's brilliant though, and I love him. The reason I picked iambic tetrameter is because it's all even, I love the way it sounds ever since I read that Robert Frost poem.

Da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM

Read it again outloud and you'll hear it.

Tic TOC tic TOC tic TOC tic TOC

It was used for effect here.
om3gag0th666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2007, 01:46 PM   #24
Circle V
 
Circle V's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Northwestern Washington
Posts: 921
Was the Frost poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" (if that is the name-- I disremember) ? I recall it having that sort of meter.
__________________
It is time, it is high time... Yes, but to do what?
--Friedrich Nietzsche
Circle V is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2023, 10:49 AM   #25
amalkagin
 
Join Date: Nov 2023
Posts: 5
There are a few deep questions to ask a pendulum about your career, love, or health. For example, "If I am going to find a partner, please swing right."
amalkagin is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:14 PM.